Well, hell: the melancholies.

So, the last few days I have been feeling melancholy, and today I figured out what it is.  I have been thinking a lot about when I was young, and thinking about that for some reason really makes me feel sad.  Not sure what it is.  I am sort of stuck thinking of my 15-year-old self, and wow does it make me sad to think about that kid.  The idea of dying sooner rather than later seems sadder when I think of that kid.

I don't know if it's the idea that whatever opportunity that lost is really, honestly, now going to be gone.  I don't know if it's regret over things I didn't do (although I don't feel regret for things that I did, in the main). Some of it,  I think, is realizing that there are people that I miss from that time that I am never going to see again, and some of them were pretty important to me -- and I guess, in some ways, still are.  I wish I could find some of them before it's all over, but don't know how.

It's a pretty profound ache, and I do not like it.  Maybe when you go along living your life you never stop to think about the people that you will never see again -- it always seems there's a chance you will.  But not now.  :/

I'm sure some of this is also coming from the fact that I haven't been feeling very well for a couple of weeks.  I go visit the doc in a week or so, so that will be good.

Tomorrow is my big sister's birthday.  She has some right frontal lobe damage from a tumor resection back in 1987.  I hope I can get down to see some family this summer.

Anyway, I should try to sleep.