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Thursday, July 17, 2014

So, I think I figured something out.

Most of this week and last I have been sad, which is a big contrast from the past.  I've been trying to understand why.

I think I know: I have more or less suddenly realized that my life has gone from one of optimism and wild future opportunities to one with a deadline, and those opportunities are gone.

Sobering to realize that you have far more past than future.

I still have some time, I think, given that my cancer has not recurred in over 7 months, but still -- I'm 57 going on 58, and there are relatively few opportunities for one nearing 60.  I figure I can still pick up the occasional class without jeopardizing my disability benefits, and that will allow me a chance to make some difference in the world, still, before I go.

And every class you teach, no matter how many times you've done that material, is an adventure.

Young people are amazing.  Though I have no kids of my own, I feel as though hundreds -- even thousands -- of parents have lent me their children for a few years, and without seeming vain, I think I have made a mark on many of them.  In a good way.  Fundamentally I think I'm a good person, and being the clasroom with me several times a week for years willl probably have a good influence.

And I so adore them.They keep me young, keep me thinking forward, keep me thinking of the future and not only the past.

So I do believe I will need to get in the classroom from time to time, just to stay alive and fresh an optimistic.  As long as I can do a good job (and fear of not being able to do a good job was the reason I opted to retire), I'd like to keep doing it.

But for now, I should go to bed.  Tomorrow is lawn chores, and i'll need all the energy I can muster.

Ciao!