Well, here's something I've been musing on and off about for a while.
People seem to be (for some reason) impressed with the way I'm handling all this. I'm not sure where that comes from. I get "brave" and "strong" comments and feel like they're way off the mark.
To me this is one more thing to do, but that's all. I have had a fairly laid-back feeling about it, and don't think I'm in some sort of denial. I think I know what's going to happen, but am not feeling a lot (or not consistently feeling much) distress about it.
But that doesn't make me strong or brave or whatever. It just is what it is. If I do have a shorter time here than I was thinking, I surely don't want to spend it moping or being afraid or sad. I just need to go on and live what I get. openly and full-on.
I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with some of the adversity I had to deal with when I was a kid. After a while you just sort of resign yourself to the way things are, and do what you need to do to get through them. That's sort of how this feels.
I can remember being in the hospital once when I was about 5 and had started to feel sorry for myself and my mom took me around that pediatric ward and showed me all the kids who were in way worse shape than I was. That was a good lesson, I think. Ever since then I haven't been tempted to feel pity for myself.
I just do what I gotta do. But it isn't heroic. It just is what it is.