Well, here's something I've been musing on and off about for a while.
People seem to be (for some reason) impressed with the way I'm handling all this. I'm not sure where that comes from. I get "brave" and "strong" comments and feel like they're way off the mark.
To me this is one more thing to do, but that's all. I have had a fairly laid-back feeling about it, and don't think I'm in some sort of denial. I think I know what's going to happen, but am not feeling a lot (or not consistently feeling much) distress about it.
But that doesn't make me strong or brave or whatever. It just is what it is. If I do have a shorter time here than I was thinking, I surely don't want to spend it moping or being afraid or sad. I just need to go on and live what I get. openly and full-on.
I wonder if it doesn't have something to do with some of the adversity I had to deal with when I was a kid. After a while you just sort of resign yourself to the way things are, and do what you need to do to get through them. That's sort of how this feels.
I can remember being in the hospital once when I was about 5 and had started to feel sorry for myself and my mom took me around that pediatric ward and showed me all the kids who were in way worse shape than I was. That was a good lesson, I think. Ever since then I haven't been tempted to feel pity for myself.
I just do what I gotta do. But it isn't heroic. It just is what it is.
As long as I've known you, you've always been pretty straightforward about what's happening and what you need to do. I always liked that about you. Yeah, I don't know that I'd call dealing with a crappy illness brave. (I think it's a good thing to say to little kids who are dealing with crappy illnesses.) I would say that you've always been a strong person. So I don't think that's any different than before. I think you're just being Marc and handling stuff in a pretty Marc sorta way. Way to go dude!
ReplyDeletethanks, ma'am. I just find it puzzling that my lack of fear or sadness is bothersome to people. It's strange when you don't conform to others' expectations...
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