And so it goes....

I find myself this evening in a sort of existential quandary.  It appears to me, that -- at least as far as I am concerned -- I really don't care that I'm dying.  It holds no fear for me.

Today I was noticing things that only a living consciousness could appreciate, and was glad for the chance to have experienced them.  But if I'm gone -- I mean really, really gone -- then i will not sense the lack of those experiences, and so will really miss nothing.  I do feel some sadness for those who care about me and will miss me, especially the spouse (who is, to say the least, the most astonishing of persons).  I'm also feeling a little more connected to my family than I have been in some time, and I sense they will feel a loss when I go.

One thing that I've been thinking about is right frontal lobe damage and a flattening of affect.  My sister has damage in her right frontal lobe, too, and has a very flat affect.  It makes me wonder whether or not the cancer got to a piece of my brain that might have made this whole experience a little more troubling.

But as it is right now, I really don't care.  I love cycling, and I love my wood stove (especially on nights like tonight when it's ten degrees outside and a lovely 67 in here), I love my little house and my little life and my students.  I love love love to teach.  But if I'm gone, really really gone, I won't be there to sense the lack of it, and won't feel its absence.

So I do not fear dying.  I fear the pain of it, because I think it will come with lots of headaches and increased incapacitation (I will ask the doc about the end stages of this when I next see her -- I'm not her first astrocytoma rodeo), and I don't want those things.  I'm already seeing some of the old symptoms come back as the radiation blasts those same pieces of brain that were impacted by the edema from the cancerous cells, and I worry about that.  They were some fairly nasty symptoms.  But many of them can be controlled, and those that can't, well, I'll just deal with it.  As long as I take care not to hurt myself.

But we shall see what we shall see. I'll fight to maintain as much cognitive function as I can, and if the headaches get too unbearable, I'll just have them drug me up until I slide away.